Itachi's Guide to Shampoo and Conditioner
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Itachi is invited to "Good Morning, Konoha" to give the shinobi of the Leaf Village hair advice. Fangirls collapse left and right as Itachi describes the complicated process to choosing shampoo and conditioner. No pairings. Crack.


The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.

Another interlude until I can get my lazy butt to focus on _Lee's Huglist_ and _Look, I Found a Scroll Thingy_…

I had a strange dream the other night… Itachi was discussing the shampoo and conditioner he uses and why. It was like an infomercial, or an interview on a lame morning show.

Oh, and don't take the hair advice here seriously. Some of it I really have noticed, but I'm not a hair expert (even though I have hair as long as Neji's…).

**Itachi's Guide to Shampoo and Conditioner**

"Hello, and welcome to _Good Morning, Konoha_," the reporter began with an overly happy smile that made the cameraman and Itachi wonder just what on earth she had been doing before she came here and how many cups of coffee she had had before arriving. "Today, I have a special guest with me… Uchiha Itachi of the Akatsuki!"

The audience immediately erupted into loud cheers and screams, and fangirls either squealed like idiots or fell over, unconscious from the shock (if you think that's bad, just watch an old clip of the Beatles at Shea Stadium—girls were literally crying. How sad.).

Itachi walked onto the stage, giving a small wave to the still-conscious members of the audience. "Hi," he said to the reporter as he sat down on one of the overly large and poofy chairs television studios always seem to have for this kind of show.

"Hello!" she greeted him cheerfully back, for some odd reason, giving him a wink while she was at it.

Itachi stared at her.

"Um, yes, and, uh," the reporter said nervously.

Itachi quirked a brow.

One of the fangirls, who had only just woken up, was sent back into the unconscious domain at the sight.

"Right, well, Itachi-san, what type of shampoo do you recommend?" the reporter asked nervously, twirling her hair around her finger.

Itachi stared her down for a few moments before he finally deigned to speak (meanwhile, more fangirls went down, as they just couldn't take his "cool, aloof, emo _Uchiha_-ness"). "Allow me to give you the rundown of different shampoos."

"You can give me the rundown of—nevermind, this is a g-rated show. Ahahaha," the reporter laughed nervously.

Itachi ignored her completely and stood up. "Today, I will be showing you different types of shampoo and conditioner, and explaining which brands are best and which ones to avoid. Obviously, you have to know your hair type to do this," Itachi said, oblivious to the fact that now only five members of the audience were still conscious—the others were all fans who had fainted as soon as he stood up and started talking.

_It may have been a bad idea to not wear my cloak_, Itachi thought. So he wasn't totally oblivious. Oh well.

"My own hair is thick, and—"

Whatever Itachi was going to say was cut off by the sound of more fangirls (outside the studio) collapsing as they watched on the televisions outside as he said "My own hair is thick". Because apparently, that's worth fainting over.

Itachi waited for the girls to shut up, and then continued. "So I must use shampoo that washes it properly and reaches my roots right. Also, the texture of my hair affects how shampoo works on for my strands. Some shampoo makes my hair get kinks if I put it up, even if it's dried. Or, it won't wash out properly. Because of the texture of my hair, I have to find something that compliments it and makes it soft, but not greasy."

Itachi stood in front of a small table and faced the cameraman in the audience. "For instance, Garnier Fructis is a really good company," Itachi began, picking up the bottle for that business, "but their shampoo leaves a sort of film on my hair. I have found that it makes it really soft, but when I next get into the shower, the water washes out extra conditioner I couldn't get last time. Ew."

A few fangirls who had regained consciousness nodded in agreement. If their idol couldn't use Garnier, neither could they (even though this was technically ignoring his advice about considering your hair type to buy a shampoo, but whatever. Fangirls have as much logic as the average Uchiha).

Itachi picked up another bottle next to him and held that up for the camera, and viewer, to see. "Suave is good if you're on a tight budget, but if you can spend just a little bit more and leave the generic 'Family Sized' versions and get their specialty shampoos, I definitely recommend it. I noticed that for me, when I use Suave, even if I dry my hair all the way, it still gets a kink in it from my ponytail and leaves like a line in my hair. It's awful. However, they have the best scents out of the less expensive shampoo brands, and their shampoo for dark haired people is really great."

Some fangirls sighed, glad the Uchiha hotty approved of their choice in shampoo.

The reporter nodded, and opened her mouth as if to agree or disagree (or otherwise interject an opinion), but Itachi continued to speak.

"V05 is good, but I have naturally thick and almost dry hair, so I try to avoid them because it leaves my hair even more dry and icky to feel. And I don't even bother with Head and Shoulder. They're good if you get dandruff, but there are some better brands."

"So what brand would you recommend the most?" the reporter asked. The audience eagerly awaited Itachi's next statement.

Itachi glared at her. "I'm not done yet," he said. Huffing, he set aside the V05 and picked up another container. "Now Herbal Essences is a great brand. However, Orochimaru uses this brand, so it should be avoided at all costs, okay, Sasuke?" Here, Itachi glared at the camera until the cameraman wet himself. Smiling, he continued with the next brand, "Pantene is A-mazing! My hair is always soft when I use them. The scent also lasts for a longer time than some other brands, and it feels great to shower with this! It leaves your hair smooth and soft—"

The fangirls erupted into screaming at the thought of Itachi showering. And using Pantene. Over half of them imagined him swinging his hair around like the models do in _every single _Pantene commercial.

"Ahem," Itachi coughed pointedly.

The fangirls forced themselves to shut up.

Itachi gratefully carried on. "Lastly, Tresemme. They're a great brand, but it took a while for me to find the right type of shampoo within this brand for my hair. For example, I tried using the smooth and silky one, but it made my hair feel almost… slimy. It was horrible."

The fangirls cringed in horror at the thought of Uchiha Itachi having _slimy_ hair.

"So I switched to the dry hair shampoo, but it, for some reason, made it worse."

"I hate when that happens," the reporter said.

Itachi glared at her. "That is one reason why I recommend you do not use a combined shampoo/conditioner package. They do nothing for your hair. Also, remember to find your hair type before you choose a shampoo. Tresemme and Pantene have a lot of variety for hair types, so they are probably best, but Pantene's scent is stronger and longer-lasting." Itachi shifted slightly, and the camera focused solely on him. "Also, you should switch shampoo each time you shower. As in, use one type the first time, another the next time, then back to the first. It's better for your hair. So I use Tresemme Anti-Breakage, and Pantene Pro-Vitamin No-Split-Ends."

The audience screamed, squealed, and fainted some more, as Itachi gave a slight wave, a small bow, and then walked off stage.

"He didn't even shake my hand," the reporter said sadly.

"He also never asked her name," a fangirl mentioned.

"SENPAI!" a voice shouted as a figure jumped down onto the crowd.

"Aack!" the fangirls screamed.

"GET OFF ME, UN!"

"SENPAI!"

"Aack!"

"Are you here to hear Itachi-san's hair advice, too, Senpai?"

"Shut up, you idiot, un!"

"Yay! Tobi will escort you home, Senpai! People will think you're a girl since your hair is so soft! And Tobi has some things he wants to show you…"

"Help, un!"

LINE BREAK

**AN: There, EeBee-kohai, rapist Tobi has been included once more. Darn you. It's random now…**


End file.
